Vervewell’s David Hooper, LPC, discusses non-verbal delivery and interpretation
A game changer for communicating with our people.
Listening to What is Not Said
Every time we talk to someone, we communicate in multiple languages. For example, you may be familiar with the concept of body language, and the way a subtle eye roll can change “Yeah, I’d love to go to dinner” into “Yeah, I’d rather jump into a volcano.” Our timing, tone, medium, and even what we choose to omit are all parts of our complete communicative package.
Now consider that in these different languages, we are flooding the airwaves with all kinds of symbols, each of which can be interpreted. Many of these symbols may even have slightly different meanings to different people.
“I hate that my father is an alcoholic.”
Through our own unique life experiences, we have each developed our own equally valid mental pictures of hatred, fathers, and “alcoholics.” When we add in everything else like deep exhales, chord progressions, emojis, turn signals, and rude hand gestures, things can become very complex.
Fortunately, we typically encode and decode most of these things automatically, making little assumptions here and there to fill in the gaps in meaning. And, usually, we understand enough that we can effectively work and play and resolve disagreements with one another.
However, sometimes these little assumptions we make are not congruent with the meaning the sender intended. Sometimes we find several people in our lives are receiving signals we didn’t even know we were sending! This experience is inherent to our subjectivity: Despite our deep and universal desire to be understood, we will certainly sometimes be misunderstood.
The good news is that we can learn to be better communicators, both by expressing ourselves more effectively and by understanding the true intentions of others more clearly. We can take a closer look at those little assumptions and symbols that we use to construct the narratives of our lives.
“When she didn’t say ‘I love you’ back to me, why did I feel as though I was being punished?”
We can also solicit feedback from others, such as in the repair after an argument.
“When I asked for help with the dishes, I felt like things started to get a little tense. What did you hear when I said that?”
A therapist skilled in interpersonal process can help you identify, understand, and refine your communication so that your thoughts and feelings can be heard more clearly. We understand that “I’m fine” sometimes means “Things are going well” and sometimes means “Things are terrible and you wouldn’t understand so please leave me alone today.”
We frequently see progress working on real-world examples taking place in the therapy sessions themselves!
I am welcoming new clients. If you might be interested in working on stronger communication skills, or any other personal growth topics, I look forward to hearing from you. I offer a free 15-minute consultation. Let’s get your self-care therapy routine started.
