Self-talk is just what it sounds like – talking to ourselves, either in our head or out loud. Most of the time we are more critical of ourselves than we would ever be with a loved one, a friend, or even someone we hardly know.
Self-acceptance means recognizing that everyone has some kind of judgment about their performance, worth or feelings. Some of those thoughts are:
“I should have done that better.”
“I have too much anger, anxiety or sadness.”
“Why do I always get it wrong?”
These kinds of thoughts are what are called negative self-talk – a self-criticism process that too often slips from beneficial reflection to judgment. While keeping an eye on our own behavior is useful (e.g. “I could have been more considerate in that interaction”), it becomes counterproductive when we attribute those behaviors to our value (e.g. “I’m such a bad person because I lost my temper with my wife”).
The goal in changing self-talk is not to deny we could do better or to deceive ourselves into thinking we are perfect. It’s to be honest. Yes, you may have done something wrong – but that doesn’t make you undesirable or worthy of disrespect.
Together with my clients, we often work on those self-defeating patterns and their origins. We develop a more compassionate, fair way of thinking that allows them to take responsibility without stripping away their worth as a human.One of the exercises I often suggest is:
If your friend said the same harsh thing to himself, what would you say back?
If someone you loved apologized for something they did incorrectly, would you tell them they were worthless? Of course you wouldn’t.
And yet we do it to ourselves all the time. Learning to extend the same kind of grace to ourselves is a big part of learning to accept ourselves.
Transform your self talk, transform your life.
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