When my clients take notes in our sessions, I know we are getting somewhere. My clients are some of the best humans I’ve had the honor to meet, let alone work with, and when our discussions turn into strong intellectual observations of the human psyche, well, consider me psyched.
In a few of my sessions last week, I found myself using some of my methods spelled out in my book: Stop Talking About Your Childhood (Very Well Written Publishing; available on Amazon).
These methods are also mapped out in the 21-day virtual course on my therapy website: LongLiveLively.org
I use these methods with subtlety in my sessions, which has always been my approach: casual with smart intellectual conversations with my always brainy clients. The clients that helped create my methods came first over my years as a therapist in private practice.
The book came second.
The therapy website third.
Here is the method that was stretched across several sessions last week, with note-taking results.
(DIRECTIVE THOUGHT method)
Anxiety and shame (feelings) show up to basically keep us fearfully small.
When we are fearfully small, we are safe: not at risk to be abandoned, lied to, stolen from, heartbroken (results). Plain and simple, there is no risk (action). Because we are anxious or shameful (feelings), we stay low, we don’t strive for goals, we don’t make efforts to connect (actions), we stay fearful, we stay small (results).
When things start going well, risk shows up in the shape of wanting MORE of these good results (of course we want more!)
money starts flowing
friendships get better
your love life is hot and heavy (results)
…that’s often when, not always, but often when our unresolved, default thoughts given to us from way too long ago start spinning in our heads!
Nothing threatens an unhealthy thought process better than risk.
“ummmmm, remember, you don’t do happy well. Your job won’t pay you more. Love doesn’t really love you. Relationships always end. Someone WILL leave you.”
Until we work through and replace our unhealthy, antiquated default thoughts thoroughly,
happy vibes and risk will often serve as triggers for anxiety and shame.
What the actual f@#?
And these THOUGHTS catch the attention of anxiety and shame (feelings) EVERY TIME.
Anxiety and shame (feelings) are quick to respond to these default thoughts sparked by risk, confirming and taking over your very own thoughts and whispering these sour nothings into your ear, usually on repeat. And while they whisper, they are also covertly wrapping themselves around you like Saran Wrap: almost invisible and always tightly clung.
All to keep you safe, risk-free, fearfully small.
However, a lifted, healthy life NEEDS risk (action). YOUR life needs risk. We deserve lives rich with texture and color and all things that allow us to be the best version of our textured and colorful selves (results).
Risk is ONLY action that may not always work.
But we can handle THAT, can’t we?
We can handle struggles without slamming them into a dysfunctional whirlwind, right?
Here is a tool for your proverbial toolbox:
when you feel the onset of anxiety or shame (feelings), stop in your tracks.
These feelings have been generated by your default thoughts (antiquated and unhealthy).
ACTIVELY change, update your default thoughts now.
Remember these outdated go to thoughts?
“ummmmm, remember, you don’t do happy well. Your job won’t pay you more. Love doesn’t really love you. Relationships always end. Someone WILL leave you.”
Let’s replace those with these updated, healthy thoughts:
“Ummmm…remember, you’re a beautiful human who gives and receives the healthiest connectedness and love. You are compensated well because you continually improve your skill set that is of service to others. When hiccups arrive, you navigate them with your sense of humor and your willingness to grow…I have faith in my relationship with my higher power.* I DO spectacular things (actions) because I FEEL faithful and confident” *I am not a 12-stepper, but the 12-steppers grabbed that “higher power” term first…and it’s a good one. (Of course YOU can script the best NEW default thoughts that resonate with you)
These updated default THOUGHTS will generate new, healthier FEELINGS:
FAITH, and SELF-CONFIDENCE (to name only two).
Faith (in your higher power: the Universe, your ministry, the stars, spirituality)…
Faith is the opposite of anxiety.
Self-confidence is the opposite of shame.
Faith and self-confidence (feelings) will encourage you to grow FEARLESSLY BIG (results).
And it’s in the fearlessly big versions of ourselves where we THRIVE in a life lifted.
It’s where our texture and color live.
And we cannot bridge the gap between fearfully small to fearlessly big without RISK.
Our thoughts COME FIRST,
our headspace (feelings) second,
and then come our ACTIONS,
which yield our RESULTS.
It is always in this order.
We think our way to anxiety and shame.
Anxiety and shame (feelings) do not come first, our thoughts do.
Therefore, we are wildly qualified to think our way to faith and self-confidence…
“simply” by re-scripting our default thoughts.
Oh how the world needs YOU at your fearlessly biggest (result).
-It is ‘normal’ and usual for any of us to still hold on to default thought processes. If you would like to schedule therapy sessions with me so we can rewrite, recreate your default thoughts, therefore, IMPROVE how you FEEL, which will restructure your ACTIONS, so as to fearlessly experience your BIG results, I’d be so honored to make your acquaintance. And if you are already my client, you know how much I love it when you send me your friends.
I see each of my clients regularly via Vervewell’s HIPAA compliant virtual software that is the pinnacle of convenient therapy.
In health and wellness,
Beth
