I have a goal for you for the week ahead. I encourage you to participate in, what I call, Face Value Communication. I use this simple idea with my couples and clients regularly. Here’s how it works.
Not only will YOU say what you mean and mean what you say, but I want you to work under the impression that ANYONE ELSE with whom you communicate is doing the same. That is the bigger part of the challenge, especially when we’ve been conditioned by our significant others or our families or our friends to “read between the lines” and ultimately pull the actual meaning out of each other. While this is a very common way for couples to communicate, it is NOT a productive way to communicate well.
Here is an example of what I am encouraging:
YOU: (to your significant other/SO): “I am getting hungry. What would you like to do for dinner?”
SO: “I’m not that hungry. You decide.”
This is typically where you may find yourself engaging in the “read between the lines” tendencies of which we are all guilty of doing. Instead of Face Value, which I will explain after this example, you may say something like:
YOU: “But I can tell you’re getting grumpy because I heard you snapping at the dog earlier. I know you, you’re hungry.”
SO: “I ate a late lunch. I’m not hungry.”
YOU: “Let’s go to that Italian restaurant you like so much.”
SO: “I thought you had Italian with your girlfriends last night. You want Italian again tonight?”
YOU: “Not really, but I know it’s your favorite and you need to eat.”
Holy cow, you get my drift. Let’s do this conversation using my Face Value approach.
YOU (to your SO): “I am getting hungry. What would you like for dinner?”
SO: “I’m not that hungry. You decide.”
YOU: “Ok. I had Italian last night with my girlfriends, so I am thinking sushi tonight. How does that sound?”
SO: “That works for me.”
YOU: “Perfect. Let’s head out in about thirty minutes. Does that work with your schedule?”
SO: “Can we make it an hour so I can wrap up this work thing?”
YOU: “Can you wrap up that work thing in 30 minutes? I’m very hungry.”
SO: “Actually, I can do that. I’ll be ready in 30.”
I know, I know, that is an easy example with a very agreeable exchange. Face Value communication stops the “read between the lines” style of conversation, or arguing. When someone says something, “simply” believe what they are saying as their truth. I put simply in quotes because I know it’s not that simple at first, but this practice gets easier the more you do it. Stop trying to pull their truth out of them, EVEN IF YOU KNOW what they are saying is in fact NOT their truth. They are speaking passive aggressively to GET YOU to pull out their truth, because they’ve likely been conditioned to do so, and/or the two of you have trained each other to do so. It’s this passive aggressive, read between the lines, pull my truth out for me type of communication that shuts us down, gets us yelling, or has us feeling we are not being heard, simply put: read between the lines trips all of us up.
So for the week ahead, I encourage you to pay attention to how you speak and how you hear and how you engage. Offer only face value speaking: say what you mean, mean what you say. And offer only face value listening: believe what they say the first time as their truth.
By doing this, we teach our important relationships HOW to communicate well. We teach each other to speak our truth the first time. We teach each other that our truths are safe here, that our relationship is a space where our words are honored.
Send me your feedback! I love hearing about YOU and your important people.
In wellness,
Beth Clardy Lewis
Founder at Vervewell
Founder and Maker at LongLiveLively.org
Author: Stop Talking About Your Childhood (self help for a strong adulthood)
To schedule 1:1 sessions with Beth, click here
