Uncategorized Archives - Vervewell

Face Value

Beth Lewis — Wed, 09 Oct 2024 16:53:13 +0000

I have a goal for you for the week ahead. I encourage you to participate in, what I call, Face Value Communication. I use this simple idea with my couples and clients regularly. Here’s how it works.

Not only will YOU say what you mean and mean what you say, but I want you to work under the impression that ANYONE ELSE with whom you communicate is doing the same. That is the bigger part of the challenge, especially when we’ve been conditioned by our significant others or our families or our friends to “read between the lines” and ultimately pull the actual meaning out of each other. While this is a very common way for couples to communicate, it is NOT a productive way to communicate well.

Here is an example of what I am encouraging:

YOU: (to your significant other/SO): “I am getting hungry. What would you like to do for dinner?”

SO: “I’m not that hungry. You decide.”

This is typically where you may find yourself engaging in the “read between the lines” tendencies of which we are all guilty of doing. Instead of Face Value, which I will explain after this example, you may say something like:

YOU: “But I can tell you’re getting grumpy because I heard you snapping at the dog earlier. I know you, you’re hungry.”

SO: “I ate a late lunch. I’m not hungry.”

YOU: “Let’s go to that Italian restaurant you like so much.”

SO: “I thought you had Italian with your girlfriends last night. You want Italian again tonight?”

YOU: “Not really, but I know it’s your favorite and you need to eat.”

Holy cow, you get my drift. Let’s do this conversation using my Face Value approach.

YOU (to your SO): “I am getting hungry. What would you like for dinner?”

SO: “I’m not that hungry. You decide.”

YOU: “Ok. I had Italian last night with my girlfriends, so I am thinking sushi tonight. How does that sound?”

SO: “That works for me.”

YOU: “Perfect. Let’s head out in about thirty minutes. Does that work with your schedule?”

SO: “Can we make it an hour so I can wrap up this work thing?”

YOU: “Can you wrap up that work thing in 30 minutes? I’m very hungry.”

SO: “Actually, I can do that. I’ll be ready in 30.”

I know, I know, that is an easy example with a very agreeable exchange. Face Value communication stops the “read between the lines” style of conversation, or arguing. When someone says something, “simply” believe what they are saying as their truth. I put simply in quotes because I know it’s not that simple at first, but this practice gets easier the more you do it. Stop trying to pull their truth out of them, EVEN IF YOU KNOW what they are saying is in fact NOT their truth. They are speaking passive aggressively to GET YOU to pull out their truth, because they’ve likely been conditioned to do so, and/or the two of you have trained each other to do so. It’s this passive aggressive, read between the lines, pull my truth out for me type of communication that shuts us down, gets us yelling, or has us feeling we are not being heard, simply put: read between the lines trips all of us up.

So for the week ahead, I encourage you to pay attention to how you speak and how you hear and how you engage. Offer only face value speaking: say what you mean, mean what you say. And offer only face value listening: believe what they say the first time as their truth.

By doing this, we teach our important relationships HOW to communicate well. We teach each other to speak our truth the first time. We teach each other that our truths are safe here, that our relationship is a space where our words are honored.

Send me your feedback! I love hearing about YOU and your important people.

In wellness,

Beth Clardy Lewis
Founder at Vervewell
Founder and Maker at LongLiveLively.org
Author: Stop Talking About Your Childhood (self help for a strong adulthood)
To schedule 1:1 sessions with Beth, click here

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Think About This

Beth Lewis — Wed, 02 Oct 2024 12:18:58 +0000

Think About This

For someone who just released her first self-help book, makes a living as a seasoned psychotherapist, and is launching a website for digital courses on self-help and personal growth topics in a matter of weeks, I am having far too many negative thoughts, and much too many sleepless nights.

I’ve been feeling a lot of fear lately, which keeps me awake. Mostly due to being alone around the clock while on this nomadically northeast adventure. My two cats are great, for sure, but our conversations are limited due to some language barriers.

The fear also crept in because of some not-so-desirable things happening for me since I’ve been on this adventure. Things I did not see coming, things for which I did not plan. Over the last few years I’ve learned that historically, my go to mind set when the not-so-desirable happens, is to wrestle with the things, to judge and shame myself because of the things, to fear the things, to put up my dukes and wrap myself with resistance because of the things, and to fixate on and try to fix all the things. It is here where I’m learning the delicious art of letting go. For so many years prior to now, letting go was something I didn’t really understand, therefore I didn’t know how to do it. So I held on instead.

Early this morning I pulled the blanket from my bed, wrapped it around me and piled myself on to the sofa so I could stare at a different ceiling. And I got busy thinking. My book, as well as one of my digital courses dives rather deeply into one of my therapy methods which outlines how our thoughts are the drivers of our everyday outcomes. Our thoughts happen first, our outcomes follow suit. However, what we typically do as humans is generate thoughts that are in reaction to our daily outcomes. Something happens, and our thoughts become directed by what happens, we get consumed with thoughts of problem solving or hiding, and by doing so, we open ourselves to likely attract more of that not-so-desirable outcome. Because, in fact, contrary to our tendencies, thoughts do come first, and our everyday outcomes follow suit, not the other way around.

Let me be clear, there are a lot of things out there over which we have no control, that are not to be put in the category of “everyday outcomes” and our thoughts will, indeed, be in response to those things, not the driver of those things. We don’t think our way to the death of a loved one, or being stolen from financially or physically, but we do have managerial power over how our thoughts flow after loss and trauma. With a strong therapist, healthy processing and thought direction can lead us to healing and wellness.

Join me, will you? I need the company. Let’s guide our thoughts today, away from small and punitive all the way to big, bright, healthy, lovely, dreamy. If you are in a situation today that is not-so-desirable, allow yourself to let go anyway, to choose joyful and loving and lifted thoughts and feelings. Let go of your resistance, your defensiveness, your inner dialogue that is shaming and cruel to you. Realize that there is no conflict here. Let go of trying to appeal to everyone else before yourself. Let go of fear. Welcome in healing and healthier thoughts. And if you’d like to take this game up a bit, rethink about your not-so-pleasant situation. Come up with a new way to look at it, a new way to experience it, ideally a way that inspires productive and strong thoughts and feelings and therefore, inspired action, desired change. YOU are the writer of this story, your very own mastermind. You are who holds beliefs about yourself and you make them come true. If we are capable of drawing less than desirable situations to ourselves because subconsciously we become consumed with the undesirable, then we can also pull the dreamiest outcomes our way by thinking differently about the undesirable, turning it into something we are experiencing so as to learn and apply better thoughts, so as to attract more of the desirable, so as to live all of our dreams.

What if everything is actually working out? What if things are actually happening FOR you, not TO you? What if this is just a smaller piece of a much bigger path? What if this is just the gloomier page of a truly happy story? Our thoughts are energetic forces and our feelings are magnetic pulls. Our thoughts absolutely determine our everyday experiences. Adjusting our thoughts is a daily practice. It’s a birthright, joy. Think about that.

In wellness,

Beth Clardy Lewis

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Because I believe it to be so…

Beth Lewis — Fri, 02 Feb 2024 10:00:35 +0000

In the throes of a new year, I can’t help but to stare a bit more closely at our cultural relationship with self-discipline. And while I can clearly see that my self-discipline is (most of the time) strong, the bigger piece of this puzzle, the underlying item that makes or breaks my self-discipline, is my relationship with self-care, or the amount I BELIEVE that I deserve when it comes to health, wealth, and happiness.

Crazy, really, when I think about it. Could I still have thoughts, beliefs, at almost 54 years old, that subconsciously tell me regularly that I deserve what is less than abundant? Really?

The answer, is yes, I still have these thoughts, I still subconsciously honor these beliefs.

I waiver in and out of strong self-discipline because of the things I tell myself when I am at the brink of a precipice, collapsing back into my daily routine which I found undesirable, only days or weeks prior.

Most of the people I know can do anything for 21 days, or 30 days, or the month of January…but most of those same people (including me) struggle to maintain these things past the deadline upon which they’ve been focused. And THAT is the difference between deciding to apply self-discipline to achieve a goal or deciding to choose a shift in a BELIEF to achieve a lifestyle reshape.

If my beliefs around Dry January, for example, are: I will do it, but I’ll hate every moment of it…It will be hard…It is good for me to detox for 31 days, but come Feb 1…watch out!

Then I can bet my bottom dollar that ALL of that will be exactly how I feel during the 31 days of January. And if I BELIEVE these sentiments, and in turn I FEEL these sentiments, my behaviors will be in check for 31 days…and not a day longer, proving to myself that I, indeed, can successfully accomplish Dry January, but not a day more.

But what, then, do I do about how I take care of myself in February, March, April, and so on?

It’s ok to be an occasional drinker, that’s the key to balance, in my opinion. Just as it’s ok to be an occasional cupcake consumer. When I choose to overindulge more days than not, I am operating from a BELIEF that I am not deserving of all the good things* that balance offers.

Yet, I am! As are you.

So, now that Dry January is one for the books, let’s look at February, March, April and so on…

Look closely at the BELIEFS you hold about yourself. Are any of them limiting you? Are any of them allowing your inner groovy you to shine for only 30 days at a time? Are any of them manipulating you to believe that balance is boring?

Listen, I am in this boat with you, if in fact you are in this boat.

This past January (actually, all of 2023), I have been getting very honest with my self-BELIEFS, and as I’ve done so, a lot has changed. This honesty got me very UNcomfortable before it got me comfortable. But as I tell my clients again and again, our personal growth and gain is just past the discomfort. You will not find grand growth, or a life reshape if you stay “comfortable”. And the kicker? Likely, what we’ve been calling “comfortable”, is exactly what has been KEEPING us UNCOMFORTABLE, limited, oppressed.

If you desire to stretch, grow, or reshape, you must first take a very clear look at the BELIEFS you hold for yourself.

“I won’t ever make more money than I am making now…”
“My relationship with my grown child won’t ever be better…”
“No matter how hard I try, these 20 pounds won’t come off!”

The THOUGHTS we have are our beliefs. And they can be limiting, or limitless. You decide.

If you’d like to explore this idea in more detail and with more determination, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I have a 21-day program that will exercise you right into new, stronger, more beautiful, and a hell of a lot more accurate BELIEFS about yourself.

In helpfulness,
Beth Clardy Lewis, LPC-S
Founder and Creative Director at Vervewell

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The RERank Method

Beth Lewis — Mon, 02 Oct 2023 14:05:12 +0000

by Beth Clardy Lewis, LPC-S
Founder, Creative Director at Vervewell

What if I told you that you can combat your anxiety by changing your thoughts?

What if I told you that you can begin experiencing joy and bliss instead of anxiety?

What if I told you that you are here to give something powerful to your world, something beautiful, something that makes a difference?

For me, I find this to be exciting because this notion allows me to be in the driver’s seat of what I THINK, how I FEEL, and what value my life holds.

The RERank Method is empowering to me, and long overdue. Anxiety has kicked my ass more times than I care to admit. Feeling down has left me feeling as though the world and all its challenges are happening TO me, leaving me simmering in a life that feels average on a good day.

Enough already. Destructive thoughts be damned. Constructive thoughts begin.

By using the RERank Method, you direct your thoughts, and your best life awaits. It is here right now. It is yours for the taking. It is this dramatic.

Grab a pen and jot this down…you’ll want to refer to this whenever you experience those harder feelings running you over. You’ll want to remember that YOU are the driver of your feelings. And you drive your feelings by choosing your thoughts. That’s total freedom.

Here we go…

My thoughts
elicit my feelings
which cause my actions
which determine my results.

Say it again.

My thoughts
elicit my feelings
which cause my actions
which determine my results.

Give yourself the slightest bit of pause when something, anything happens in your day that drives you to feel down, destructive. Take note of what you’re thinking in such a moment. Our thoughts are full of rankings. We rank a billion things each day. And the direction of those rankings elicits the direction of our feelings.

Are you ranking things constructively or destructively?

If destructively, take a minute to RERank the thing that is happening. RERanking is the word I use to redirect my thoughts from destructive to constructive. I use this RERanking Method with my clients and they love the results it offers them.

For instance, maybe you get stuck in a traffic jam on the way into your office. Typically, you rank a traffic jam as a complete inconvenience, peppered with a few select, colorful words (destructive thought). Your blood pressure raises as your anger takes lead (destructive feelings). Once you’re finally at work, your mood is crappy and your desire to work is at a low (uninspired action), and your boss is breathing down your neck, making note of your low performance (result).

The goal of RERanking is to THINK constructively, therefore, FEEL constructively, not destructively. And to yield strong results day after day. Goodbye to anxious feelings, hello to joy and bliss, clarity and purpose.

Gratitude is a brilliant way to facilitate this RERanking, to generate GOOD, constructive thoughts, therefore, constructive feelings.

Remember, YOUR THOUGHTS drive your FEELINGS.

So, as you sit in that slow moving traffic, you can assist this RERanking method by taking a breath and thinking about all the things for which you hold gratitude in that moment.

I am grateful my car is full of gas, I am grateful I have the money to stop to get gas if my car is running low, I am grateful for the song I hear playing in this moment, I am grateful for the clothes I am wearing, I am grateful for each breath I am experiencing, I am grateful that my heart is beating one strong beat after another, I am grateful for the air conditioning in my car, I am grateful for my creative mind allowing me this thought process of gratitude, I am grateful for this opportunity to strengthen my patience, and so on, and so on.

As you slow your breath and THINK of the things for which you are grateful, and as you RERank the slow traffic from inconvenience to opportunity, begin to experience the constructive FEELINGS that show up, over the destructive, old feelings. Perhaps joy or bliss begins to show up.

Let’s do this traffic jam experience again. This time, you rank it as an opportunity to slow your breath, to gather some strong head space for your day ahead (constructive thought). As soon as you RERank the traffic from an inconvenience to an opportunity you experience a shift from anger to peace which will cause you to relax during your drive (constructive feeling) which can lead to the rest of your day holding more focus, more calmness, thriving strides and an accomplished day of completing tasks (inspired action), and a boss who is leaving you alone to do your inspired work (result).

Some uncool things will happen that typically will bring your thoughts down, therefore your feelings down. Such is life. The goal with my RERank Method is to learn strength in navigating your thoughts, not to alleviate uncool things altogether. That simply isn’t reasonable.

With the RERank Method, when the uncool things rear its ugly head, we choose to pause, and to RERank this thing in a constructive energy, not a destructive energy. This constructive RERanking lifts your thoughts, therefore lifts your feelings, which causes inspired actions, which determines beautiful results. A strong habit of RERanking will allow the constructive version of YOU to show up. YOU, with all your gifts, all your talents that will make a constructive mark on the world, shine a light on the value that is your life.

Practice, practice, practice. All the while, knowing, BELIEVING that YOU are made of exactly what it takes to drive your thoughts, elicit your feelings, cause your actions, determine your results. The world needs your mark.

Beautiful, now repeat…do it again.

The RERank Method is explored with more depth in Beth’s upcoming book entitled, All Is Very Well; missteps and thriving strides

Click here to pre-order her book.

Click here to schedule a therapy session with a Vervewell therapist.

Our therapists are rich with inspired action.
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With love,
Beth Lewis, LPC-S
therapist offering therapy
Vervewell.org

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