Communication Archives - Vervewell

Thoughtfully and Thakfully

Beth Lewis — Tue, 26 Nov 2024 15:43:23 +0000

It’s Thanksgiving week.

Typically, not always, but usually, families gather for this holiday. Some have an entire week away from their office, their professional world, some only a day or two. Either way, the assignment is typically gratitude, the assumption is thankfulness. Yet for many, visiting family, extra expenses, time away from routine, offer stressful feelings and triggered reactions, making gratitude and thankfulness feel like a pipe dream, allowing anxiety and defensiveness to hold premium real estate in our thoughts and behaviors.

Our feelings are derived from our thoughts, and the way we think about things is a habit, a default setting, often a format deeply embedded from our childhood. The good news about this is, believe it or not, we have the choice to choose our thoughts, at every turn, therefore, directing how we feel at any given moment. That’s so cool, amazing really, but the choosing of our thoughts is a hard habit to break. It takes practice, for sure, as we are breaking a deeply embedded habit of HOW we think about certain things, which in turn generates feelings that can either make us or break us. I expand upon this in my Rethink Method, which travels us through the steps that take us from triggers to outcome: something happens, we think about it, which passes us to a feeling, which determines our next step, which gives us our results, or life experience. But for the sake of this email, I’ll give you a simple hack that truncates this idea.

Come up with a word. A word that tells your brain to generate thoughts of depth and love, and to do it pronto, do it now. A word that, when whispered to ourselves, rushes OUT the negative thinking and anxious feelings, and quickly floods our mind with all things that hold light and love.

You may use my word if you don’t have your own. I came up with mine years ago as I was walking on the Trinity Trail in Fort Worth, Texas.

ENGULF.

That’s right, I rattle it off again and again. Engulf, engulf, engulf.

ENGULF is an acronym that stands for: Energy, Nature, God, Universe, Love and Faith.

I know, I know, each of these is such a giant concept, but for me, gathering these words in a row, piling up these concepts, offers direction to my own mind. Instead of any habitually placed swirling thoughts that may pull down my feelings, I fill my mind with these beautiful, intentional words. The occupancy of these ideas in my mind evicts anxiety from my body rather promptly, taking me from trigger to outcome in a lifted, concise and prompt way. The more I practice this hack, the more quickly my feelings improve.

The Vervewell therapists are a busy team this week. Please do not hesitate to get on our calendar as we will be seeing clients a few days this holiday week, while we take a couple of days to be with our families and loved ones.

We are so glad you are here.

In wellness,

Beth and the Vervewell Team

(Heather, Jason, Blake and Casye…and GumBeaux the always precious therapy dog)

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How do you relationship?

Beth Lewis — Thu, 31 Oct 2024 14:59:34 +0000

How do you relationship?

As a therapist working with couples regularly, I am very aware that we humans are dynamic in nature, we ebb and flow within moods, hormones, triggers. We keep a keen eye on the external world and how we drive those factors: financial being a main irritant, or key ingredient in the recipe of ease. We live in a culture that suggests the harder we work, the better we can provide, even if at the cost of all things love and family.

My work with couples is some of my favorite. Some of them come in with divorce on their mind. I am honored with each pair who allows me into their private world. I am invested, to say the least, in supporting their love for each other, even if, especially when, one or both are tired, exhausted really, with family, finances, kids, and lack of connection within the core of their home: their marriage, their relationship, their partnership.

Marriages house many layers, this I know, but for the sake of this email, I want to lovingly suggest that you dial in ONE plan of action that will light UP your partner. This will have to be a mindful, thoughtful effort, because likely the lack of mindfulness is what has been the leader in any disconnect being experienced between you and your partner as of late.

Keep this in mind. Staying married so as to not upset children with divorce is only a good idea if that marriage demonstrates love and support, to name a couple of basic good things. A marriage that stays together, but is rich with arguments, disrespect, or even silence can be as unkind to children as an ugly divorce.

So, in the spirit of reconnecting…and for all things love and family, let’s build, or re-build, love and support within the core of your home: your marriage, your relationship, your partnership.

Let’s start with the suggested simple exercise of SEEING your partner. Even if what lights UP your partner is not necessarily something YOU enjoy, let’s do this exercise with a sense of selflessness.

Put something into place that you know will mean a lot to your spouse, and extend the invitation to them. It doesn’t have to cost a lot, yet I DO recommend it’s a plan that does not involve the children. You may have to take an hour or so away from work one day this month to execute your plan, you may have to hire a sitter, you may have to disrupt your usual routine to dial this in, but trust me, all are steps towards strengthening and supporting your relationship. All are steps worth taking.

Be good to yourself, be good to your partner.

Relationship/couples therapy is an excellent way to grow together, to reconnect.

I am here for you and yours.

You’ve got this, dear ones.

In wellness,

Beth Clardy Lewis, LPC-S
Founder of Vervewell

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Face Value

Beth Lewis — Wed, 09 Oct 2024 16:53:13 +0000

I have a goal for you for the week ahead. I encourage you to participate in, what I call, Face Value Communication. I use this simple idea with my couples and clients regularly. Here’s how it works.

Not only will YOU say what you mean and mean what you say, but I want you to work under the impression that ANYONE ELSE with whom you communicate is doing the same. That is the bigger part of the challenge, especially when we’ve been conditioned by our significant others or our families or our friends to “read between the lines” and ultimately pull the actual meaning out of each other. While this is a very common way for couples to communicate, it is NOT a productive way to communicate well.

Here is an example of what I am encouraging:

YOU: (to your significant other/SO): “I am getting hungry. What would you like to do for dinner?”

SO: “I’m not that hungry. You decide.”

This is typically where you may find yourself engaging in the “read between the lines” tendencies of which we are all guilty of doing. Instead of Face Value, which I will explain after this example, you may say something like:

YOU: “But I can tell you’re getting grumpy because I heard you snapping at the dog earlier. I know you, you’re hungry.”

SO: “I ate a late lunch. I’m not hungry.”

YOU: “Let’s go to that Italian restaurant you like so much.”

SO: “I thought you had Italian with your girlfriends last night. You want Italian again tonight?”

YOU: “Not really, but I know it’s your favorite and you need to eat.”

Holy cow, you get my drift. Let’s do this conversation using my Face Value approach.

YOU (to your SO): “I am getting hungry. What would you like for dinner?”

SO: “I’m not that hungry. You decide.”

YOU: “Ok. I had Italian last night with my girlfriends, so I am thinking sushi tonight. How does that sound?”

SO: “That works for me.”

YOU: “Perfect. Let’s head out in about thirty minutes. Does that work with your schedule?”

SO: “Can we make it an hour so I can wrap up this work thing?”

YOU: “Can you wrap up that work thing in 30 minutes? I’m very hungry.”

SO: “Actually, I can do that. I’ll be ready in 30.”

I know, I know, that is an easy example with a very agreeable exchange. Face Value communication stops the “read between the lines” style of conversation, or arguing. When someone says something, “simply” believe what they are saying as their truth. I put simply in quotes because I know it’s not that simple at first, but this practice gets easier the more you do it. Stop trying to pull their truth out of them, EVEN IF YOU KNOW what they are saying is in fact NOT their truth. They are speaking passive aggressively to GET YOU to pull out their truth, because they’ve likely been conditioned to do so, and/or the two of you have trained each other to do so. It’s this passive aggressive, read between the lines, pull my truth out for me type of communication that shuts us down, gets us yelling, or has us feeling we are not being heard, simply put: read between the lines trips all of us up.

So for the week ahead, I encourage you to pay attention to how you speak and how you hear and how you engage. Offer only face value speaking: say what you mean, mean what you say. And offer only face value listening: believe what they say the first time as their truth.

By doing this, we teach our important relationships HOW to communicate well. We teach each other to speak our truth the first time. We teach each other that our truths are safe here, that our relationship is a space where our words are honored.

Send me your feedback! I love hearing about YOU and your important people.

In wellness,

Beth Clardy Lewis
Founder at Vervewell
Founder and Maker at LongLiveLively.org
Author: Stop Talking About Your Childhood (self help for a strong adulthood)
To schedule 1:1 sessions with Beth, click here

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